May 28 | Accomplishments
Melissa, I sit here looking at your graduation picture. I am so proud of what you accomplished. I so glad that I got to be there to see your intense effort rewarded. Iím glad I got to see you proud of yourself. Iím glad that I got to be a supportive older brother who cheered you on.
May 24 | Are we there yet...
I remember taking road trips with Melissa. Most of the time Val was driving and we were going somewhere as a family. The first few times I remember a little blond hair girl with glasses who was missing teeth and who was always sick in the car so she spent most of her time sleeping. When she would wake up she would always ask "are we there yet?" I don't remember exactly how it came about, I think Valette had something to do with it...but that question became "are we there yet, Papa Smurf?" and it stuck. I still use that question when I really want to be where I am going without the long trip. "Are we there yet, Melissa Smurf?"
May 23 | Impressionable
When we were younger (Melissa was probably 4) I remember a very entertaining drive to Anchorage. It was winter and dark out. Along Turnagain Arm we would see headlights coming towards us a long ways off. I told Melissa & Valette that those lights were actually trolls holding lanterns. I informed them that these trolls always travel in pairs and they run very, very fast. Every time the lights would pass I would tell them to look closely to see the trolls, but the girls were never quick enough. We saw a few single lights and I told them that one of the troll partners must have gotten lost. They of course didn't really believe me, but we had fun laughing and passing the time using our imagination. To this day I still think of distant headlights like speedy trolls carrying lanterns.
May 23 | Monster Obsession
When Melissa was 6 or 7 or so, her favorite two books were The Monster at the End of This Book and Grover and the Everything in the Whole Wide World Museum.
She made Mom and me read those books to her time and time again. Over and over. There's a monster at the end of this book!!
May 20 | I Will Survive
I haven't been depressed in weeks.
And that's something I haven't been able to say since before Melissa died.
It's great to have the energy to do laundry. Or dishes. Or drive to the store. Or take the dog out to pee. Last night I did all those, and more.
It feels great to do, to be, to live.
I've known for quite some time that I have survived her death. The incident, the moment, is in the past. And I survived.
What I haven't known is how I was going to survive every day life without her. Her death is in the past, but her absence is in the present as well as the future.
It now appears I am going to survive the present and future without her. And that seems neither right nor fair. She deserves more than 8 months of mourning and grief.
I want the tears to still flow freely.
I want to not enjoy life because she no longer has one to enjoy.
I want the pain to still be fresh.
Most of all, I want my sister back.
May 20 | Show and Tell
When I was in kindgergarten, we had show-and-tell days themed around the letters of the alphabet: one day was about things starting with the letter 'A', the next with the letter 'B', and so on.
When I was in third grade, I got to get out of class and walk down to Melissa's classroom in the middle of one afternoon. I got down on my knees as she told the class why I was there.
I was her show and tell for the letter 'V'.
May 13 | If Only...
Melissa has been brought up quite frequently lately, maybe it's just because it's summer, maybe she's just on everyone's minds, but it just feels like she's everywhere I look, turn. If I would have known that she wasn't coming back from dinner that night last September, I wouldn't have let her go... but then again I don't think I'll ever let her go.
May 08 | Kokomo
Rodney & I got Kokomo in 1988 at six weeks old. She went almost everywhere with us, but when we couldn't take her with us, Melissa & Mom always took care of her.
We sent Melissa our baby dog and friend today. We know she will care for, love and play with her, until we are together again.
Kokomo and Melissa, we will see you both again. We love you, take care of each other, you will both be forever a part of our hearts and deeply missed until we are all together again.
May 06 | Favorite
Marty repeatedly invited Melissa into his room so she could help him with his homework. This made me so angry because I knew I was much better at English and Math than she was.
She was always the favorite.